My life.

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34, lying on the couch, feeling like I’m 23
11 years passed and I still have the same dream
Somewhere up in the sky, floating above me
An image burning bright, I can so clearly see
One that I’m struggling to pull to the ground
All I’ve got is silence, I can’t make a wave, I can’t make a sound
It’s strange to be happy but still inside somewhere there is a frown
The halls are narrow, these halls are dark
My god it would be a miracle if somehow I could create a spark
There hasn’t been a fire here in years
Just dark colored walls plastered with my fears
A boy inside, his screams are sincere
The man I am, struggles to hear
What will it take to wake up and let it all out?
Have you ever sat around wondering about all the talent that you have
And why it’s packed away collecting dust, it makes you blue, it makes you mad
Some days you paint it black and others you feel the light
But what’s going to make it alright?
I guess I got more battles, because this war here is called my life.

-Andrew

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An Unexpected Rant on College

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Well, today is my first event of the month. I am doing energy healing and aura readings at a spiritual store in Elgin, IL. Being able to read new people is always fun and exciting. The weather is kind of shitty right now, so hopefully people come out today. 

When I lived in Wilmington, NC I used to do readings and energy work at a local spiritual shop. For a little while, that is how I made a living. I was working at bed bath and beyond stocking shelves and wasn’t enjoying it, so I quit. I took a risk and it worked. I was able to make money from teaching and doing readings and then had plenty of time to practice music. That is what I’m looking to regain back. Teaching and practicing music. 

I do miss having a studio to work on music. It is not the same working on vocals in a RV, but it is better than nothing right? I guess what I miss is having a PA system. I like the feeling of holding a mic, pacing around and being as loud as I want. This is the compromise though. If I want to travel then I got to take what I can get. It is much easier to practice vocals than playing drums in a RV though – haha!

I recognize I have a big mountain to climb. I really do, but I’m excited about the small steps I have to take. I think we tend to look at life as if you don’t make it by the time your thirty, then you just need to get a “real” job, forget your dreams and move on. I think we start to feel the pressure. It’s the internal programming that starts to kick in; time to get that steady job, time to get married, time to get a house, time to buy a bunch of furniture, time to get pets, time to have kids, time to get that pool, time to…

I’m not saying those things are bad (I’m married and have pets), but they all just seem very automatic. Same thing goes with school; its pre-school, kindergarten, elementary, middle, high school, college, more college… I think some people enjoy the academic world and some education is necessary for certain professions, but I think a lot of our education is an absolute waste of time and money. At this point in time, you really just need to know the basics to function as an adult in our society; reading and writing, basic math, earning money, communication, cooking, cleaning, etc. Now we not only have books but we have the internet to learn as well. I just think there is so much pressure to be “successful.” And how do you be “successful?” You go to school so you can apparently get a really good job, a job you may not even like because you didn’t have enough time to think about what you really wanted out of life, but now you are stuck because you already spent a lot of time, energy and money on that degree. Hey I’ve been there. I regret the debt, but I don’t regret my experience. I was pursuing a degree I love, but I just realized school was unnecessary to achieve my dreams. 

I think that instead pushing college onto kids, why not encourage them to become more self aware. That would be dangerous though right? Because then they would feel comfortable just being themselves. They would just naturally pursue the things that made them happy instead of going off and working a job to make everyone else happy. I think parents enjoy talking to their friends and even strangers about how they son or daughter is going to a university. Would parents be just as excited to tell others that their child is off traveling the world? Would parents be just as excited to tell others that their child is pursuing stock car racing? Music? Starting a business? Modeling? Writing? Photography? Maybe, maybe not…

I know I’m putting college down pretty hard here, but a certain amount of education is important to live in this society and to work certain jobs, but I don’t think it is needed for most things in life. I don’t think it needs to be force fed down our throats as we are growing up. I think what is really important is learning basic responsibilities, self discovery and the pursuit of dreams or whatever makes you happy. I think its a really shitty feeling being in college and still not really knowing who you are or what you want. And there you are counting down the days until you have to be an adult and start paying back your school loans. Unless you have rich parents, that is terrifying. That is a recipe for depression and anxiety in my opinion. Why don’t we just teach kids the basics on how to be an adult and give them a little time and space while they are young to discover themselves and their passion. Let them start life out right, not with debt, confusion, depression and anxiety. 

If I have children, I would want to introduce responsibility during their teenage years. I want to encourage them to go get a job and see what it is like to work for someone else. If they don’t mind it then great, but if they don’t like it, I want to also show them how to be entrepreneur. I want to show them how to be self motivated and create their own job or small business. I want to give them options so they can choose what works best for them so they don’t feel like they are just going to be inevitably stuck in something terrible. I want to teach them to be self aware. I want them to feel like they can be themselves and that they have options, not a bunch of limitations. Of course though, having a child can change everything and with most things in life – not everything goes according to plan…

This blog really went in a direction I was not anticipating haha. I just think we need to do better. If going to college didn’t lead me to all the spiritual trainings I took, I think I would be much more upset. But, that is all the past and here I am on the road. 

I think there is this picture that gets passed around. A picture that says success is having a college degree. Success is wearing a suit. Success is having a big house in the suburbs. How about success is just having what YOU want. Maybe success is you being happy. And maybe you want to wear a suit, drive a sports car and work in a cubicle. If that is true for you then great, but for many other people, that may definitely not work. A part of my spirit is rebellious. I find the things that don’t work in my personal life and destroy them so that I can live more honestly. 

What isn’t working for you? How do you end it? What does success really mean to you? What makes you happy?

FInd Your Freedom,

Andrew (unexpectedly angry this morning, haha)

7.21.18 | IL

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Deep Dive into my Voice

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If you haven’t already noticed, I have a great affinity for expressing myself. Today I felt a minor breakthrough. It feels as though I am going deeper into my voice. For most of my life I have kept quiet. Speaking in front of people is something I love, but also terrifies me. My beliefs never matched my environment, but now that we are traveling full-time, things feel different. When I am traveling, I feel free. When I feel free, I tend to want to express myself more, especially through writing. And the more I write, the more I get comfortable with saying what I think and how I feel. I also realize the more comfortable I get, I am either going to inspire people or offend people. 

I wrote a long short story called Slaves to Society. It is based on true events, but is weaved with fiction. It is honest, raw and vulgar. I didn’t hold back. It felt really good writing it. It feels good to write in general and right now I am on a writing high. I never write to hurt peoples feelings or to make anyone feel bad. That’s not my intention. My goal as a writer is to clear my mind and heart. It is to light people up and make them think differently. I want to inspire others. Someone I find inspirational is Gary Vaynerchuck. He is a very successful entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker. He doesn’t say what you want to hear, he says what you need to hear. Some people may find him harsh or offensive. I find him refreshing. He cuts through the bullshit.

What are some of the most difficult things in life? Maybe it’s being honest with yourself. Maybe it is just being yourself. Sometimes we can be afraid to speak honestly, because it may hurt someones feelings. Sometimes we avoid showing a side of ourselves because it is not accepted by a group of people. Sometimes we lie to ourselves to avoid the pain of starting over. I’m not perfect and I have struggled with all of these topics. It is why I am so passionate about embracing my truth and following my dreams.

My spiritual teacher once told my class that he hoped our lives fell apart. That is a statement that can be viewed as harsh and offensive. What he meant was that he hoped that any of the lies that we were holding onto would fall apart. That is one of the reasons we were in the class in the first place. We all wanted to see our truth and dissolve the lies we were living. We all wanted to live more of an authentic life. Sometimes it is uncomfortable admitting to yourself and others that you are living a lie. Sometime it is difficult being honest.

As I take this deep dive into my voice I know I will inspire and I will offend. I know some people will love what I say and also hate what I say. Right now I am neutral to it all. I am just going to keep writing because the more I change from within, the more of an impact I can have on the world. Standing in your truth, that is how I see people changing the world. 

Find Your Freedom,

Andrew

5.10.18 | NJ

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